When Ian heard that we were going to wrestle a bear at the Vans Warped Tour, he decided to prepare himself and make a list of some bear facts to share with the group.

When Ian found out that we weren’t wrestling a bear and instead were interviewing a contemporary musical group called iwrestledabearonce, he pissed in a circle and hit them on the nose with a ruby red shoe. That works…look it up.

We have decided that the list of facts Ian made prior to his discovery is purely priceless and needs to be shared with the world.  Because the list contains 1,428 facts, we chose the facts that were most likely to be true.

WARNING: The material you are about to view relates to practices that are unsafe for humans and Canadians. If you try to attempt these practices on your own, Digital Firestarter will not be held responsible.

Things to remember at Warped Tour - by Ian “The I-bone” Gutoskie

135. When mounting a bear (non-sexual), run full speed at it from the side while whimpering like a Canadian mongoose. Then, leap onto it’s back while cooking a dead cat. Then cry.
WARNING: Do not do this. Ever.

329. When an angry bear approaches the group, manhandle your son Steven into the path of the bear. Then, outrun Steven.

330. When a non-hostile bear approaches Ian, manhandle your son Steven into the path of the bear. Then, outrun Steven.

331. When approaching a watering hole at the Vans Warped Tour, scan for bears. If a bear is seen running at you full speed, urinate into the water and jump in. Splash the water into your mouth and kiss the bear. Use of the tongue is encouraged and boasts a higher survival rate.

537. When approaching a Canadian Black Bear from the rear (non-sexual), urinate in the shape of Canada and drink a bottle of maple syrup. Then, spit the maple syrup on the nearest Kim Kardashian. If a Kim Kardashian cannot be found, substitute her for C-Grade road hole. Use paper bags if necessary.
WARNING: Double bagging C-Grade road hole can be
degrading and may lead to lowered self-esteem. Use sparingly.

626. When running from a bear, remove any and all plaid scarf’s. In recent studies, victims of bear attacks were 47% more mutilated when wearing one or more plaid scarf’s.

627. When seeing Billy Ray Cyrus for the first time after writing this list, place a plaid scarf around his neck. Then, take him on a date to the local bear zoo. DO NOT buy him flowers.

948. NEVER refer to a bear by it’s scientific name “Bear”. This is the equivalent of calling a person from the northwest side of Ontario a “Gage Walker”, which as we all know is a slang term for a man with three fingers from southeast Ontario.

1083. DO NOT leave bear porn on the computer again. –Your wife.

Although this list contains no scientific facts whatsoever, we believe it to be the most extensive list of bear facts known to man. We submitted it to the Guiness Book of World Records under the category for “Most Useless Thing in Orlando”, but were beaten out by every single other thing in Orlando.

If you have questions for Ian about situations involving bears, comment below and he will respond in a timely fashion.


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